Year’s End – A time for Reflection – unpacking the past.

Janus the Roman God of Transitions was depicted as having two faces, one looking back into the past (reflection) and the other looking into the future. (goal setting).  January was named after him. December the 31st became a symbolic time for Romans to make resolutions for the New Year and forgive enemies for troubles in the past.  This tradition lives on today with many people making New Year resolutions and setting goals for 2015. But how many of us have put much thought into them?

 Have we reflected on what was before we consider what might be or have we just trotted out the same old worn and weary resolutions we have used every year.  You know the ones – lose weight, give up smoking, get fit, etc. The ones we haven’t achieved but have left us feeling guilty, unmotivated and despondent.

Perhaps we need to remember that Janus looks back as well as forward and use this time between Christmas and New Year to reflect on the past before planning our future.  Let’s use this time to let go of past goals and lost possible selves before we start planning and setting goals for our best possible future self in 2015.

Reflecting on the Past – Looking Back

As we look back over the past year we have two alternatives – an abundant mentality (glass half full to over flowing world view) or a deficit mentality (half empty world view). I prefer the former view, directing my energy and attention to the positive outcomes, progress or learning I have made during the year.  I focus on what worked, what went well, and what I feel was successful. I've discovered that this strategy is critical to building my emotional resilience and motivating me forward..

One of the other things I've learnt is that the only thing I have control over is how I tell my story -- how I interpret my experiences and make sense of them. If I create a story that is one of learning, growth, and empowerment, I feel better.

We design our lives, in part, by the stories we tell ourselves and others. We create our realities through these stories.  This is especially true when we experience change, and perhaps change that we didn't initiate and that initially doesn't feel good.   We can tell a "victim story" such as: “When you move towns it’s difficult to make new friends.  People are not interested in in including new people into their circle. The people I would like to befriend just don’t seem interested or reject my offers of connecting”.  Can we tell another story; such as “Making new friends requires reaching out and taking a risk.  Relationships take time and effort to build. They also take energy and opportunity.” Which one of these interpretations feels better to you? In which story might you have more control?  Which story will serve you best?

We can tell stories about the past and we can design stories for our future that can lead to our own personal transformation. A turning point in my life was when I began to consciously work on renovating my own stories which weren't serving me -- they weren't energizing me to get up in the morning and focus on opportunities to connect with other women.  I made excuses for not reaching out, I blamed others when I felt disconnected, and I built walls around myself. As I began reinterpreting my reality, my daily life changed, my friendship circle improved, and I felt happier. I went from: Creating a circle of true friends is hopeless; it's too hard, and there’s no way I can build meaningful reciprocal connections, to: I can and will build relationships where I am valued, appreciated, welcomed, and respected?

So how are you telling the story of your past 12 months?

In Gregg Krech’s book, Naikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self-reflection (Stone Bridge Press, 2002), he suggests using the following three simple questions to reflect on our relationships, or some other theme:

1. What have I received from _____?
2. What have I given to ________?
3. What troubles and difficulties have I caused _________?

4.      I’d recommend substituting the last question with

“What have I learned or how have I changed by the circumstances of my life? as it focuses on a growth and a positive personal narrative.

These questions were originally developed by a Japanese man, Yoshimoto Ishin, who developed the method of self-reflection called Naikan. Naikan means “looking from the inside.”

 Using these Naikan questions for the basic structure, you can design specific reflections in any of the following categories:

1. People (Meaningful Relationships)
2. Travel (trips to places, visits to meet people)
3. Objects (like your car or computer)
4. The environment (i.e. the air)
5. Difficult situations (i.e. a flat tire incident)
6. Accomplishments

By using the end of the year to reflect on your life, you’ll notice that certain ideas for making changes or doing things differently will naturally arise.  You can make note of these, but don’t try to turn them into any kind of formal resolution or goal.  For now, just allow yourself to sit with your life as it is.  

Other Questions Prompts to help with your reflection About Relationships

1. Who were the three people who had the greatest impact on your life last year?
2. Did anyone close to you give birth (literally or symbolically)?
3. Did anyone close to you die (literally or symbolically)?
4. What important relationship improved the most?
5. What important relationship suffered the most?
6. What event merited celebration?
7. What event appalled you?
8. How did you positively influence the next generation this year?
9. What well-known person, dead or alive, influenced you the most this year?
10. Who made you laugh the most this year?

If you’d like more reflection prompts visit “New Year'sReflections and Resolutions: How to End the Year Mindfully (with 100 DiscussionQuestions)” by Carly Sullens

 The week between Christmas and New Year's Day provides and excellent opportunity to reflect on what was in 2014.  You may decide to work on this process a little each day, from now until the New Year, or decide to devote some special time on New Year’s Eve  to explore these exercises. 

Best wishes as you approach the beginning of a new year and the best possible self you can be.  Remember you are the author of your own life story.   Make it a best seller or worthy of a Pulitzer Prize.